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It ain't easy being a thief. Wait. Scratch that. It's easy being a thief. Maybe too easy. They say a fool and his money are soon parted, and there's certainly no shortage of fools on Midgard. There was just no challenge in it. People are altogether too trusting of attractive female characters. Throw in a calm, soothing name like "Serenety" and it's like taking candy from babies. And not even smart babies... really stupid babies. So, I decided to create a dwarf, a particularly ugly dwarf in a gay-pride-purple robe, and name him after one of the most well-known and hated players in the history of DAoC. Thus, Nerner the Alcoholic Alchemist was born!  Combining his skill at potionmaking with his penchant for moonshine whiskey, Nerner quickly established himself as Jordheim's foremost Alchemist. Loyal citizens of Midgard would travel from miles around to have Nerner apply his masterpiece procs to their weapons.    But Nerner wasn't just an alchemist, you see. With a few pints of ale in his belly, he fancied himself a master craftsman, and the orders poured in as he boasted of his abilities to craft weapons and armor of the finest quality!   Adventurers with battle-worn items flocked to Nerner for repairs, and he took their items with a smile, assuring them they'd never have to worry about the durability again!      Nerner, like all great craftsmen, took tremendous pride in his work... taking his time and painstaking effort to ensure every detail was perfect. Unfortunately, many of his customers did not understand the time and effort involved, and quickly grew impatient.        So widely reknowned were Nerner's skills that even adventurers from foreign countries came to purchase his metallurgical works of art...  Now we're not certain, but we're pretty sure she said "Nerner is the greatest craftsman in the land, and I am honored to have done business with such an upstanding dwarf!"  We have no idea what this next satisfied customer said, but the crafting gods were so pleased with Nerner's gracious response that they sent the lucky dwarf on a twenty-four hour vacation, all expenses paid!  Upon returning from his vacation, having cleaned out the mini-bar, Nerner redoubled his crafting efforts. And,       Nerner's business continued to grow, primarily due to fantastic word-of-mouth advertising such as "I had 5 offers for sc... and picked the fucking devil" and "Nerner is a thief!!!!!"         Nerner was getting so much publicity, the crafting gods had to step in and settle things down.  The other crafters, jealous of Nerner's success, embarked upon a vicious mud-slinging campaign, including everything from warnings to nonsensical rants to public service announcements.          Their smear campaign proved unsuccessful and our stalwart dwarven hero continued to pour the libations and practice his craft as his supply of clientelle seemed neverending. The more he drank the harder he worked, and soon his hard work was rewarded. One day a traveller visited Nerner's table, bearing a shiny golden weapon the likes of which Nerner had never seen! It shone, it sparkled, and though the guy kept referring to it as a "TG Hammer," Nerner was certain it could be used to tap a keg. He had to have it. Thanks to Nerner's sterling reputation, when asked to see the shiny new hammer, the traveller simply handed it over.    The traveller wasn't so happy, however, when Nerner refused to hand it back. He threatened Nerner, he insulted Nerner, and even began to physically assault the poor defenseless dwarf.  Luckily, the crafting gods intervened, and sent the angry Norseman on a little vacation of his own.  And so, Nerner had aquired a shiny new toy, and Krosse had learned that it's never a good idea to slap an intoxicated dwarf.   On and on Nerner drank. On and on Nerner crafted. Now, every good merchant knows you can't please all of the people all of the time, and Nerner was no exception. Some of his dissatisfied customers took it better than others. Some dealt with their losses maturely. Others responded with childish anger...      Thinly-veiled threats...   Baseless accusations...  Futile pleas for mercy...     Real life tears...  Unintelligable gibberish...  And even arousal...   These     The dissatisfied customers prayed feverishly to the crafting gods for assistance. Their pleas fell on deaf ears.         Despite pissing away thousands of gold a day on beer, Nerner soon amassed a great deal of wealth. He was able to fund not only his own alchemy, but provided gold and equipment to the rest of the Dark Puppies as well.  Nener had become so wealthy that he would often throw perfectly good equipment on the ground to rot.      Not everyone hated Nerner. He amassed a small but dedicated band of groupies, and he was always very appreciative of his fans.    But it seems a lot of people just wanted some peace and quiet.  ...and there was no shortage of good ol' fashioned loathing.  But through it all, Nerner persevered. A pint of ale in one hand, mortar and pestle in the other, he did his best to see that the brave folk of Midgard were never burdened by equipment too cumbersome for them to handle. At the end of the day, he smiled a weary but satisfied smile, and lay down to rest knowing he'd done his part for a better tomorrow for Midgardians everywhere!  |